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BIG BROTHER HAS BEEN DEPOSED!

Big Brother has been replaced by the new Internet Dictator – abestalin.com you can find him there from now on.

Thank You for Your  Support.

That is all,

Big Brother

The Battle Hymn of The Republic

Someone You Need to Know Today:

John Brown (1800-1859), American abolitionist who led an armed revolt against institutionalized slavery. Took control of Federal Armory in Harper’s Ferry, Virginia, hoping to arm local population of slaves and build an army to overthrow governments of slave states. Was captured and hanged but managed to put the fear of God in Southern slaveholders.  Was called a “misguided fanatic” by Abraham Lincoln. When the U.S. Civil War erupted one year later, Union soldiers marched to a song in his honor.  This tune later became The Battle Hymn of the Republic:

Old John Brown’s body lies a-moldering in the grave,

While weep the sons of bondage whom he ventured all to save;

But tho he lost his life while struggling for the slave,

His soul is marching on.

John Brown was a hero, undaunted, true and brave,

And Kansas knows his valor when he fought her rights to save;

Now, tho the grass grows green above his grave,

His soul is marching on.

He captured Harper’s Ferry, with his nineteen men so few,

And frightened “Old Virginny” till she trembled thru and thru;

They hung him for a traitor, themselves the traitor crew,

But his soul is marching on.

John Brown was John the Baptist of the Christ we are to see,

Christ who of the bondmen shall the Liberator be,

And soon thruout the Sunny South the slaves shall all be free,

For his soul is marching on.

The conflict that he heralded he looks from heaven to view,

On the army of the Union with its flag red, white and blue.

And heaven shall ring with anthems o’er the deed they mean to do,

For his soul is marching on.

Ye soldiers of Freedom, then strike, while strike ye may,

The death blow of oppression in a better time and way,

For the dawn of old John Brown has brightened into day,

And his soul is marching on.

Big Brother reminds you that it is often misguided fanatics that have the greatest part in the historical narrative.

That is all,

Big Brother

Senator Barack Obama Thanks Big Brother For His Support

Big Brother felt very honored to be among the first people Senator Barack Obama contacted following his victory last night.

Attached is a communication received by Big Brother’s Blackberry:

From: info@barackobama.com

To:bigbrother@yourbigbrother.wordpress.com

Subject: How This Happened

Big Brother —

I’m about to head to Grant Park to talk to everyone gathered there, but I wanted to write to you first.

We just made history.

And I don’t want you to forget how we did it.

You made history every single day during this campaign — every day you knocked on doors, made a donation, or talked to your family, friends, and neighbors about why you believe it’s time for change.

I want to thank all of you who gave your time, talent, and passion to this campaign.

We have a lot of work to do to get our country back on track, and I’ll be in touch soon about what comes next.

But I want to be very clear about one thing…

All of this happened because of you.

Thank you,

Barack

-Please Donate-

What a class act – all the way. Have not heard from Senator John McCain yet.

That is all,

Big Brother

BIG BROTHER ENDORSES SENATOR BARACK OBAMA FOR PRESIDENT!

Good Morning voters who think Democrats vote Wednesday,

With voting already complete you may think it is too late for Big Brother to make his official endorsement in the presidential election. Not so. Big Brother waited until yesterday to make an endorsement for Senator John McCain. Big Brother has never failed to endorse the winner in a Presidential election and 2008 is no different, therefore Big Brother wholly endorses Senator Barack Obama for President.

Senator Obama has served his country in inner city neighborhoods, in the Illinois State Senate, and the U.S. Senate. He is a true patriot. Senator Joe Biden occasionally says stupid things.

Big Brother has every faith in the ability of Senator Obama to honorably serve as president and considers his behavior in the last few months of the campaign to be representative of a moderate and thoughtful temperament. He may rather lose an election than lose an acquaintance, but he clearly has no compunction in losing a pastor in order to win an election. This kind of dedication cannot be ignored. Big Brother looks forward to an Obama-Biden administration and future nights out on-the-town with President Obama.

That is all,

Big Brother

Black Hen’s Teeth

MSNBC just interviewed a young man claiming to be a Republican at Morehouse College, a traditionally black college in Atlanta.  Big Brother admires the reporting prowess of the blond chick from basic cable’s premier liberal news outlet in finding such a rare speciman.  The young man in question said he was in fact a registered Republican and the only one he knew of on campus.  He was going to vote for Senator John McCain until sometime last week when he changed his mind.  He voted for Senator Barack Obama today.

Okay, that’s it. That’s all of them.

Big Brother’s New Hero

Captain Yossarian from Catch-22 via Don’t Bet On It contributes the following insight on election day:

“We won’t lose. We’ve got more men, more money, and more material. There are ten million men in uniform who could replace me. Some people are getting killed and a lot more are making money and having fun. Let somebody else get killed.”

“Suppose everybody on our side felt that way.”

“Then I’d certainly be a damned fool to feel any other way. Wouldn’t I?”

Big Brother is Over-Caffeinated

Starbucks Coffee fell afoul of election laws by offering a free cup of coffee to anyone who voted today. It turns out you are not allowed to offer any inducement to voting: it smacks of Boss Tweed in 1860′s New York (did anyone at corporate headquarters in Seattle ever see Gangs of New York?).

Anyhow, to keep kosher, Starbucks now offers a free cup of Joe-the-Plumber today to anyone who asks for it. Big Brother never turns up his nose at freebies. Marley has been chauffeuring the Internet Dictator along 5^th Ave in NYC, stopping at every corner while Big Brother collects his free coffee. Current count: 12

Updates to follow

Big Brother’s Exit Poll

VOTER SCANDAL! Dead Person casts ballot for Obama!

It has been reported by MSNBC that Senator Barack Obama’s grandmother who DIED YESTERDAY cast a vote for her grandson.  This is the most blatant attempt yet by ACORN to STEAL THE ELECTION and such reproachful actions cannot be tolerated. Big Brother demands that Senator Obama’s grandma’s vote be invalidated!

Stay Tuned as this story gets updated.

BIG BROTHER ENDORSES SENATOR JOHN McCAIN FOR PRESIDENT!

Good Morning voters standing in line,

With voting already begun you may think it is too late for Big Brother to make his official endorsement in the presidential election. Not so. Current President Dick Cheney waited until last Saturday to make his “delighted” endorsement for Senator John McCain. Not to be outdone in procrastinatitory displays of support, Big Brother is ECSTATIC! to endorse Senator John McCain for President and Governor Sarah Palin for Vice-President!!!:-)

Senator McCain has served his country on the deck of aircraft carriers, in dank prison cells, and the U.S. Senate. He is a true patriot. Governor Sarah Palin looks good in blue jeans and pals around with Bocephus

Big Brother has every faith in the ability of Senator McCain to honorably serve as president and considers his behavior in the last few months of the campaign to be an aberration. He may rather lose an election than lose a war, but he clearly has no compunction in losing himself in order to win an election. This kind of dedication cannot be ignored. Big Brother looks forward to a McCain-Palin administration and future nights out on-the-town with President McCain.

That is all,

Big Brother

Big Brother has an Amstel Light with Senator Barack Obama

Besides having to prove which candidate is smarter or has better policy positions, modern presidential campaigns have to present their guy or gal as approachable, down-to-earth, a drinking buddy with a finger on the button. Though George W. Bush gave up drinking after several DWI arrests he was still perceived as the better man to have a beer with, and won out over the elitist and stiff Al Gore and John Kerry. Big Brother had given generously to both McCain’s and Obama’s primary campaigns and was able to share beer and sympathy with both men separately earlier this year. Previously, Big Brother recounted his late night/early morning with Senator John McCain. Here the Internet Dictator reports a casual meeting with Senator Barack Obama:

Barack Obama has spent ample time in New York City raising money from the East Coast Liberal Elites. One evening this spring Big Brother ran into Senator Obama at the Harvard Club in midtown. Having met before at a madrasah in Pakistan, he immediately recognized Big Brother.

“Big Brother, how’re you? It’s so good to see you here,” the Senator greeted warmly.

“Senator, good show in the primaries,” replied Big Brother, “you’re going to raise my taxes aren’t you?”

“Well, Big Brother, that depends. Does your household make over $200,000 in taxable income?”

“You know I do, and I earn every penny,” said Big Brother.

“That’s great for you, and a great testament to the American economy,” Senator Obama shifted into glad-handing mode, “you have been very successful, but not every American has had access to the same resources you had. We will all gain if the very rich share the wealth. If we spread it around to those who need it, and can use it, society will be stronger, our economy will be stronger.”

“Share the wealth?” queries Big Brother, “What are you? Some kind of commie?”

“No, No, I assure you, the U.S. tax code has always been progressive; there has always been a wealth redistributive component to it.”

“Are you wearing pink underwear? I would lose that phrase: ‘share the wealth,’ the Republicans will say you’re the reincarnation of Karl Marx. You won’t just be ‘Swift Boated,’ you’ll be run over with an aircraft carrier.”

“What I am proposing only brings our tax rates back to where they were under Ronald Reagan, and I don’t think anyone would have the temerity to call President Reagan a communist.”

“The U.S.S. Ronald Reagan is what they’ll hit you with if you insist on saying that Americans should ‘share the wealth.’ Didn’t you go to Harvard? I thought you were smart.”

“They can call me what they want, but all these social programs have to be paid for by someone. George W. Bush (who went to Harvard by the way) passed a Medicare prescription plan that was the biggest increase in government spending in 50 years, and his tax cut for the top two percent of earners drastically decreased tax revenues. Now look, we know that that just cannot work. Maybe in the short term, but not longer term”

“There you go again.” rejoined Big Brother.

The Senator exhaled a baritone laugh at the reference to the Carter/Reagan debate. However, this attracted the attention of others in the room. We were soon interrupted by a young woman who wanted to meet the Senator. She was quite effusive. You can imagine it was how starlets and stewardesses used to respond to Kennedy.

Why have there not been any rumors about Senator Obama chasing after woman? They certainly chase after him. Is the press so in love with him that they refuse to divulge any possible transgressions, or is he that clean? Big Brother has doubts that Fox News or any of his political opponents would have had any scruples if even the slightest rumor of infidelity were to have popped up. Maybe that is the “otherness” that Hillary Clinton’s and John McCain’s campaigns have tried to brand Senator Obama with. Maybe the man is from Mars. Twenty million women in love with him, and he only sees them as enthusiastic voters.

Senator Obama is quite charming; you just have to get him to stop talking shop. He is always talking shop. You might get him to talk briefly about shooting hoops, or the White Sox. He is quite thrilled with discussing his daughters and wife, but he always reverts to his policy points and really wants you to understand his point of view. He is all business all the time and a bit of a bore. You have to think that he has been running for president too long, not just the last two years, but since law school.

That is all,

Big Brother

Big Brother has a Budweiser with Senator John McCain

Much is made about which presidential candidate would be better to have a beer with. By many estimates, this is what assisted the victories of the half-wit George W. Bush over the robotic Al Gore and cadaverous John Kerry. Big Brother has access that you do not and has actually shared a beer with both presidential candidates earlier this year. Here is how it went when Big Brother and John McCain met for drinks at one of the Senator’s favorite haunts:

Big Brother was chauffeured up to Foxwoods Casino in Connecticut, a short drive from the Internet Dictator’s home base in Manhattan. There, John McCain was found on the casino floor, where the Senator was splitting tens at the blackjack table. He was playing thousand-dollar hands at a $250 limit table, the Senator later explained that he liked to play big, but was not comfortable at the tables for high-rollers and preferred the company of the $15 minimum crowd. A special dispensation by an admiring pit-boss put the Senator among the common man.

Big Brother watched as the Senator doubled down on a 14 while the dealer was showing a deuce. He beat the odds on that one and came out two grand richer. He was surrounded by a few of his buddies (had the Senator not been there you would have mistook them for a Shiners’ convention). Big Brother was accompanied by manservant/bodyguard Marley. The group repaired to the nearby lounge where a whiskey-and-cigarette-voiced woman in a too-short cocktail dress regaled the crowd with a Jimmy Buffett cover backed by a grand piano; the bartender could not draft the Budweiser’s fast enough.

Senator McCain was just off his primary win in New Hampshire, and he really did not like his chief opponent Mitt Romney. The Senator immediately went off as we settled onto our barstools: “Can you believe this guy? He goes whichever way the wind blows. If you don’t like his current position, just wait it’ll change.”

Big Brother tried to change the subject: “Hey, didn’t you used to date a stripper? Do you still know any?”

“Yeah, but that was a long time ago, I swore off strippers when I was released by the North Vietnamese.”

“Oh, you were a P.O.W? I didn’t know,” Big Brother kidded the Senator.

“Ha, ha, you’re giving me the business. If there is even one voter who doesn’t know about my sacrifice during that sh–show, I’m in big trouble.”

“So you think Vietnam was a mistake?”

“Not in strategy, but in tactics,” said Senator McCain.

“I don’t know what that means.”

“We had to show the communists we meant business, so we had to fight the war. Good strategy. But do you know I was shot down while bombing a light bulb factory? What was the tactical sense in that?”

“Hey, better than bombing baby formula factories in Iraq. It’s probably hard for the enemy to do their planning if they don’t have any electric lighting in their bunkers.”

“There weren’t any baby formula factories in Iraq. That was a cover for Saddam’s weapons labs.”

“So there were WMD’s?” Big Brother baited the Senator.

“I didn’t say that,” said the Senator, avoiding the fishhook, “who knows what they were doing there, but he was hiding something.”

Big Brother really had not come to discuss war or politics. John McCain was supposed to be a blast to hang with. “Who wants an Irish Car Bomb?” Big Brother asked as he ordered a half dozen for the group from the bartender.

Someone in the group asked the Senator if the Diamondbacks were going to have a good season. The group debated the logic of paying 44 year-old Randy Johnson $10 million a year as the bartender lined up six pints of Guinness on the bar. Six shot glasses of Jameson floating on Bailey’s soon followed. One of the Senator’s buddies lit the Jameson with a match.

“Ready?” said the Senator, “one, two, three…”

We all dropped the flaming shots in the pint glasses and quickly raised them to guzzle. The Senator had some difficulty as he cannot raise his arm past his shoulder; he leaned his head way forward and stuck out his tongue awkwardly like an ill-tempered ostrich while drinking. He got about halfway through his glass when he had to set it down briefly, but soon finished it with gusto.

“Yeah!” he exclaimed, “Hey, why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly?”

“Uh, John, you maybe should stay away from that joke.” Interrupted a member of his group, “You know, you got away with it once, but not during the election.”

“Already heard it anyway Senator. Good one,” said Big Brother, “though the better joke is: ‘Why is Chelsea Clinton an only child?’”

“OHHHH! Do I really want to know?” asked the Senator.

Big Brother will spare you, the reader, any further nastiness directed at the former first family, but the group continued drinking and sharing tasteless jokes for a good part of that early morning. In all, John McCain is a fantastic guy to have a beer with.

That is all,

Big Brother

Free Uncle Ted!

Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska was convicted on Monday of not reporting several gifts received on Senate ethics disclosure forms. About a quarter million dollars worth of renovations were done on his house and the Senator’s wife paid $160,000 to the oil services firm that performed the work. Senator Stevens says every bill his family received was paid, and it was his wife’s responsibility. In his house, the wife does the bill-paying and he distributes the pork. He, like Big Brother , cannot understand why he should be held accountable. The Senator, like the firm that did the work, is not a housing contractor and could not possibly have appraised the true value of those improvements. What does adding a second floor to a chalet cost anyway?

The Senator was vigorous in his own defense, and testified on his own behalf in court. In reference to a massage chair the Senator received as a gift (which he was not even indicted for, BTW), Stevens said: “(A friend) bought that chair as a gift, but I refused it as a gift. He put it there and said it was my chair. I told him I would not accept it as a gift. We have lots of things in our house that don’t belong to us.”

Big Brother understands. Are there not indeed many things around your own house that admirers and hangers-on have left behind? A cursory glance around Big Brother’s compound unveils a plethora of unclaimed treasures: one Manolo pump, color blue, abandoned by some Cinderella. Those run about $700 a pair. Dare you accuse Big Brother of improper receipt of a $350 gift? Further searching uncovers a Michel Perchin accidentally left by a former Secretary of State. Was the Secretary leaving Big Brother a $3500 bribe?

Ah, the bribe. That is what this is all about, is it not? Who cares about gifts to a Senator; was there a quid pro quo?? Big Brother contends there was not. Everyone knows Ted Stevens has been the best friend of the oil industry for forty years. Where is the crime in finally receiving a small show of gratitude?

That is All,

Big Brother

Barack Obama Wins, South Carolina Secedes from Union.

Big Brother is making the call early.  Which elements of this story will be true on November 5^th?

With Barack Obama’s clear electoral victory last night, the South Carolina General Assembly convened at the Statehouse in Columbia for a midnight session and voted to unilaterally and immediately secede from the United States of America. Units of the South Carolina National Guard, since renamed “The State Militia of Free South Carolina”, began bombardment of Fort Sumter in Charleston Harbor and demanded the unconditional surrender of the National Park Service contingent on the island.

While, Fort Sumter has no military significance, and currently serves as a historic memorial and tourist destination, the South Carolina Governor has marked it a legitimate target. Mark Sanford, who ordered the action by the State National Guard, spoke on Fox and Friends this morning: “The National Park Service is part of the Department of the Interior within the Executive Branch, and the thought of one square inch of God-fearing South Carolinian soil under the command of that n___ terrorist is too much for the white… uh, righteous sons and daughters of Dixie to bear. We did it back in 1860 when the despot Lincoln was elected, and we fought to keep our schools and drinking fountains pure back in the 60’s. This is no different. This tyranny of the Northern aggressor will not stand. The East coast elites and mainstream media don’t speak for us! I swear today on the bones of Strom Thurmond that the South will remain forever free!”

George W. Bush, in an address from the Rose Garden stressed that America should remain calm and added: “Now, secession by a state, I’ve been told that’s illegal. But by my reckoning, any military action by my office is also illegal, and being that I’m a strict constructionist I just don’t see what part the Federal government has in this whole thing.”

Meanwhile, Barack Obama has made his own statement filled with soaring rhetoric but little real substance.

This is a developing news story, and will be updated as the situation warrants.

That is All,

Big Brother

Of Mind and Men

Read A Book:

“The mind is its own place, and in itself
can make a Heav’n of Hell, a Hell of Heav’n”

Paradise Lost by John Milton

Mind Hacks: Tips & Tricks for Using Your Brain by Tom Stafford, Matt Webb

That is All,

Big Brother

 

Black Tuesday

What You Need to Know Today, October 24, 2008:

Today is the 79^th anniversary of the Crash of 1929. Big Brother had manservant Marley go through some old composition books from 8th grade and thinks this early show of brilliance can provide a depression era perspective on a modern predicament.

The Great Crash caused multiple new regulations to be enacted by the Federal Government. Back then, when financial markets were immature the sudden drop in prices of investments bought on credit could cause further selling, depressing the market even further. In such a situation, one price decline feeds on another and pretty soon everything everyone owns is worth significantly less than before.

After the Great Crash came the Great Depression and then the Second Great War. To stave off a recurrence of the Crash and Depression certain safeguard were put in place. We sadly have no regulations preventing war. Some would argue that these three “Greats” were not necessarily related, but the three of them being coincidental seems unlikely.

First the government said you were not allowed to borrow too much to buy assets. It was understood that you might be purchasing something at an inflated price, if the price went down you could owe more than it was worth, you would then be forced to sell and everyone else who owned assets like yours would then be forced to sell because of the downward spiral in prices.

Second, the guys who loaned you the money were not allowed to borrow too much. If a few of their investments went bad you wanted to make sure that the company could stay in business to continue providing insurance or investment banking or commercial loans and not leave their clients or workers in the lurch.

Third, if a company provided insurance, it was not allowed to engage in activities too similar to commercial or investment banking. Similarly an investment bank was not supposed to do insurance or commercial banking and a commercial bank was supposed to stay out of investment banking or insurance. That way if companies in one industry really screwed up badly and went out of business, at least the other two industries might not be affected.

Because of the Great Crash and the Great Depression, America learned a valuable lesson and never has not had to deal with a widespread panic or depression again.

That is All,

Big Brother

3 A.M.

Big Brother has obtained the script of a campaign ad the RNC will air in Virginia, North Carolina, Florida and Missouri the week before the election.  Big Brother would like to take this opportunity to remind the Republicans of the meaning of a pyrrhic victory.

(Script approved RNC: Operation Get Out the RIGHT Vote 2008.  For release Oct. 28. TREAT AS TOP SECRET before Oct. 27)

EXT: Wide shot of the White House at night.

V.O. Announcer:  On November 4^th you have to decide who you want answering the 3 A.M. phone call we all FEAR may come someday.

SFX: [phone ringing]

INT: Tight shot of bed with two people lying in it, focus shifts to ringing phone on the nightstand.  A dark hand reaches for the phone, knocking over Old English 40-ounce bottle on nightstand.

V.O. Announcer:  We need to be able to trust the judgment of the person who answers that call.

President Obama (look-alike shown in silhouette):  (shouting into phone) WHOIZIT?!

(pause, the President listens to the person on other end of the line)

President Obama : WHAT?!

(pause)

President Obama : HE DID WHA?!  AWWW HELL NO!  DAT MESS’D UP!  DAT SOME BU[bleep]!

(pause)

President Obama : WHAT THE F[bleep]?!

(pause)

 President Obama : (speaking quieter) Did you call A-Ree and Right-Z? Whadidey say?

(pause)

President Obama :  Aww sh[bleep]…  Aww (laughing) yeah, yeah it sound like dem.

(pause)

President Obama :  So dey got it unda control?

(pause)

President Obama : Naw, Naw, Naw, thanks for callin’… Yeah, yeah keepin’ me in da loop.

(pause)

President Obama :  Naw, you can call me early tomorrow. Yeah I gotta get up early anyway, take Mich-Che-Che and da babies ta church.

[First Lady Michelle Obama, still lying facedown in bed , raises arm straight out, she and the President do a fist bump]

President Obama (into phone): Yeah, peace. Out.

Blue Screen with Text: VOTE FOR EXPERIENCE on November 4th

V.O. Announcer:  We need to TRUST The Person who answers that call will not revert to cursing, jive talk and urban slang when startled by a 3 A.M. phone call. Please, vote for experience on November 4^th.

(Script approved RNC: Operation Get Out the RIGHT Vote 2008.  For release Oct. 28. TREAT AS TOP SECRET before Oct. 27)

Jive talk? Whoever wrote this script learned everything they know about black people from reruns of The Jeffersons.

That is All,

Big Brother

Footprints in the Sand

One night Big Brother dreamed he was walking along the beach with Barack Obama. Many scenes from Big Brother’s life flashed across the sky.

In each scene Big Brother noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.

This bothered Big Brother because he noticed that during the low periods of his life, when suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, Big Brother could see only one set of footprints, so he said to Barack Obama,

“You promised, Barack Obama,
that if Big Brother followed you, you would walk with him always. But Big Brother notices that during the most trying periods of his life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when Big Brother needed you most, have you not been there for him?”

Barack Obama replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, Big Brother, is when I carried you.”

Big Brother’s Patridiotic Poll

Leave Joe the Plumber Alone!

Good Morning Joe Six-Packs,

What You Need to Know Today:

The Mainstream Media continues its onslaught of distortions against Fox News’ favorite plunger-pusher Joe Wiskawhatever. Big Brother can only assume that this is at the behest of the Obama campaign as those East Coast elitists have the Liberal Media in its pocket.

Read A Book:

Shakespeare’s Macbeth: The Manga Edition. A librarian at a high school in Brooklyn recommended this book to his students because he was proud his daughter had done the illustrations; the New York City employee ethics board found a conflict of interest and fined him $500. Big Brother applauds the board’s actions and always encourages arbitrary punishment of insignificant offenses if it keeps the help in line.

That is All,

Big Brother

Big Brother’s $182,800 Question

October 17, 2008

Good Morning Fraudulent Voters,

What You Need to Know Today:
Community Organizer ACORN is trying to steal the election! By haphazardly seeking to register urban voters these un-democratic vote-stealers are watering down the value of your vote. They are not even registering real people! ACORN has registered Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and the entire starting line of the Dallas Cowboys (those guys are unreal, did you see how they folded against Arizona last Sunday?). One fine urban denizen was encouraged to register 73 separate times by an ACORN volunteer. What happens when Mickey Mouse, the Dallas Cowboys, and 73 identically-named urban voters show up to vote with two forms of government ID at your local polling place? CHAOS! That is what!

In the last five years, 26 people have successfully been prosecuted for voter fraud. That might not sound like a lot but remember this occurred nationwide. Why did they do it? Why did they vote when they were not eligible (20 people)? Vote twice (5 people)? Or submit a false registration and not even get to vote (1 person)? What did they have to gain besides a felony conviction?

Big Brother will tell you what. Do you remember the 2000 Presidential Election? Al Gore almost stole it with fraudulent votes. But in a win for democracy, George W. Bush got 549 more legitimate votes in Florida and won the election. Had just 550 additional urban Floridians committed vote fraud, irrationally risking a felony conviction for nearly insignificant personal gain, you would have had a President with a Noble Peace Prize, Emmy, and an Oscar. And the terrorists would have won.

Since then the Grand Old Party has been committed to stamping out vote fraud no matter the cost. That little hubbub last year about Bush firing U.S. Attorneys for political reasons? It was because those lazy bastards could not find enough people to charge with registration or vote fraud just before a tightly contested congressional election. The Republican Party will stop at nothing to prevent registration fraud, even if it means throwing 200,000 newly registered voters off the rolls in Ohio because their Driver’s License Numbers do not match a buggy State database.

Big Brother admires the commitment of the Republican Party to purge new voter registrations even though only about 4% of newly registered voters in Ohio choose Republican affiliation. The Republican Party is concerned for the voting rights of all Americans not just the shrinking “Permanent Minority”. If you do not get to vote because your registration was erroneously purged, just remember it was to guarantee democracy.

Today’s Sports:

The Boston Red Sox overcame a seven run deficit to beat the Tampa Bay Rays last night, staying alive in the playoffs.

Today’s Gossip:

Katie Holmes was allowed out of the compound last night to make her debut on Broadway. Meanwhile, Tom Cruise was sitting at a card table in Times Square with an E-Meter offering “Free Audits”.

Read A Book:

“[Administration] covers the surface of society with a network of small complicated rules, minute and uniform, through which the most original minds and the most energetic characters cannot penetrate, to rise above the crowd. The will of man is not shattered, but softened, bent, guided; men are seldom restrained from acting, such a power does not destroy, but it prevents existence; it does not tyrannize, but it compresses, extinguishes, and stupefies a people, till each nation is reduced to be nothing better than a flock of timid and industrious animals, of which government is the shepherd. “

Alexis de Tocqueville, Democracy In America (1835)

That is all,

Big Brother

Big Brother’s 1st Poll

October 15, 2008

Good Morning Involuntary Shareholders,

What You Need to Know Today:

As the newest owners of the nine biggest banks in the country it is now your responsibility to shepherd them through this tough time.  Now, you do not own the whole of them, so do not think you can march down to your corner BofA branch and start ordering the tellers to make you a cup of coffee.  You just own a little bit, about ten to twenty percent. Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson was not thrilled about taxpayers acquiring even that part (and the banks even less so), something about a slippery slope, communism, betrayal of capitalist ideas and all that. Hank had only sought the authority (with no additional congressional or court oversight) to buy up the bad debts  gumming up the financial system. 

When Congress passed the bailout bill two Fridays ago that gave him the power to buy the debts from the banks, it slipped in a clause that would also allow him to make direct equity investment in firms.  The Secretary had not even asked for that! Big Brother is pleased when Congress proactively grants additional power to the  executive branch. Usually, those milquetoasts are more passive in their complicity, happy to look the other way while Dick Cheney listens in on birthday phone calls to your grammy. 

But back to your part in this whole deal. As the heirs of John Pierpont Morgan, your new role is to guarantee the health of the banking system. No one is exactly clear on how to do that right now, but Big Brother urges that you be prepared to spring into action once someone figures it out.

Someone You Need to Know Today:

John Pierpont Morgan (b. 1837, d. 1913), American financier and namesake of two of the banks you now own. He was the predecessor of the U.S. Federal Reserve, which was created when lesser financial titans concluded that J.P. would not live forever and always be there to pull their bacon out of the fire during the then semi-annual market panics. Morgan was the largest shareholder of The White Star Line,  the owner/operator of The RMS Titanic.  It is unknown if he held a stake in Pearl Harbor, The S.S. FUBAR, the WTC or any other disaster metaphors.

Today’s Sports:

In further ironic news, “Pacman” Jones was suspended by the NFL for beating up the baby sitter hired by the Dallas Cowboys to keep him out of trouble.  The Tampa Bay Rays are one win away from knocking out the Boston Red Sox and their $70 million greater payroll.

Today’s Gossip:

Guy Ritchie, British awful film director, is divorcing his wife of eight years, an American mediocre middle-aged Marilyn Monroe impersonator. She has recently been spotted kanoodling with an overpaid underperforming third baseman from an overpaid underperforming New York baseball team.  Big Brother is sure everything will work out just okay for everyone, Kabala willing. You get a taste. NOW GET BACK TO WORK.

Read a Book:

“The future will be better tomorrow.” Dan Quayle

776 Stupidest Things Ever Said by Ross Petras, Kathryn Petras 

That is all, 

Big Brother